Life is good once again... ?

Well yes and no.

It's a strange thing, really. I came back to Canada with a lot of fun things waiting for me... but my life is empty once again. I have it all, I am back in my comfortable setting, but I am still depressed. So it doesn't make sense... why was I depressed in Germany without my computer, and am still the same now that I am back to normal? The answer is not obvious to me at all. Everything is supposed to be better here... I love eating my bacon and eggs in the morning, or just downloading movies and not worry about an internet firewall blocking my every move. I prefer my mother's cooking to my grandmother's, although it's not much of an improvement. I've just gotten so used to it that it has become mundane and boring. I crave the excitement of being independent, and not having to worry about what my parents think.

I knew that when I came back life would be different, but not so soon... my parents are already talking about me having to get a car and find a job. That's because I only have 1 class in school which isn't even every week, so I sit at home a lot and carve a niche into my computer chair. I've started organizing all my movies and games into big black folders, and that takes up some time as well, as well as making an Excel list of every video I have. But the fact that my parents want me out soon is a scary thought... I don't like that Real Life Syndrome is catching up with me... that I'm getting fat from all this non-exercise when I've been depending on my fast metabolism until now. I hate growing old... I try to slow it down by buying lots of video games, but there is no joy in it for me anymore.

At school I am with a bunch of guys working for the Department of Agriculture Canada. We are working on interfacing an RF Heater with some form of controller in order to maintain its temperature and flow rate. That's the basic idea for the project, and we have to start working on it right away. But I'm still in my lazy summer mode and don't want to do any work yet. This week we will get security passes to the facility so that we can have access any time we want. It was funny showing the authority my papers because they are all German... everyone wonders why I haven't become a Canadian citizen yet after 21 years living here. I tell them it's laziness, but is it really that, or is there something else behind it?

Yeah there just might be something that is pulling me back over there. I am used to my life here, but all my relatives live over there. Sometimes I'm confused over why my parents decided to leave the country at all... we could have lived a nice life over there I think. Now I face the dilemma of being torn between two countries... and it really hurts me on the inside. Every day I walk around with an empty feeling inside of me, as if something I need desperately is missing. I have been so deep in my computer world that I haven't realized that there are people out there trying to 'interface' with me so to speak, to try and communicate with me and get to know me. I don't know why people care about me at all, I'm kind of a loser.

My attitude going to Germany was that I would talk to nobody, make no friends, make no business connections, work only the bare minumum at work, and just get out with no loose ends. But there is an invisible rope that was tied to me over there, and it is still around my waste and I can feel the tugging of it sometimes... I'm trying to get over it but no matter how much I try I still think about my time there. I remember all the good things... the bad things have been erased from my memory. I remember the nice people, the close relatives I haven't had contact with for years, the amazing landscape, the nice clean european cars, the beautiful architecture in the old parts of cities, the greatest train system in the world, the tasty bretzels (only in Schwabenland), the sweet smell of the Döner (which I never tasted), the funky Euro-Pop on the radio (of which I have downloaded many songs and videos in the last couple of weeks), the strange 220V plugs with the humongous prongs, the cool currency EUROS, the interesting dialects of German heard everywhere, and yes I even miss the cigarette vending machines of all things. It's not fair... no matter how much I try to forget about it, I still remember them and I hear that little voice that beckons me to come back. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? HOW DID I GET THE GERMANY VIRUS?

Anyway, now that I am stuck between two great countries, it's hard for me to decide where I want my life to go. Something that would really pull me back for good would naturally be a nice girl, but unfortunately nothing in that area happened over there. Strike 1. I screwed up at my job and didn't try hard, so they won't want me back. Strike 2. The German road system scares the living daylights out of me. Strike 3. So you see, I'm not cut out to be there... it is not my place. And no country is perfect and everyone has its own problems. I might as well deal with the problems here around me than over there. That empty space in my life will get filled up soon enough, it's just taking its sweet time, that's all. I just have to be patient and keep living my life the way I'm used to.

I think I will leave this journal up for all to see it. I know by mistake I accidentally told somebody from Germany about it, and he told one person and then he told the next, so in a chain reaction everyone at least from the youth group at the church there knows about this site. I had written some stuff here before about how good the girls looked and then erased it after, because I was too embarassed to leave it up there. It was written in the wrong frame of mind anyway, so it's better not to be left there. But I will probably not add any more information after today. I will continue to write a journal though as gay as it sounds, because it helps me sort out my thoughts and is just something cool to do to spend the time.

The other day I looked at the journal I had started when I was going out with a girl, and it was neat to see what I was thinking back then in 1998-1999. But that was all written by hand, not over the internet for the public to see. I might make a new website though, I have plenty of time and I finally have a little drive to do it... although ultimately I have no motivation for life. The weird bumps on my neck are still there but I am too afraid to tell anyone about it, but as long as I don't experience pain everything's ok. Now that I have a gameboy advance SP I play games on the way too... I was thinking of buying a notebook computer but some friends told me that was a stupid thing to do, so I'll just buy a regular desktop PC worth around $2000. That will make me happier I think...

So that was the last 4 and a bit months of my summer in Germany. It was good and bad, that's what I tell people. But it's time to move on and open up a new leaf in my book, because I can't stand it anymore with my old routines... it's almost as if I am moving backwards in life, always going back and reminiscing the good old days. I had been stubborn before and not wanted a girlfriend, but now more than ever I really feel that is what I'm missing. But the most important thing is my walk with God... I have neglected that portion of my life in a very big way. My Bible sits dust-covered under my bed, just begging to be opened. Perhaps I shall delve into it again. Yes I am a Christian, or at least I'm supposed to be one. I haven't exactly lived the perfect example, but I know what's right and wrong, and being a fence sitter isn't going to get me anywhere. I know The Truth, but I have never embraced it.

So long, farewell, aufwiedersehen, goodnight.

-j