Life is good once again... ?

Well yes and no.

It's a strange thing, really. I came back to Canada with a lot of fun things waiting for me... but my life is empty once again. I have it all, I am back in my comfortable setting, but I am still depressed. So it doesn't make sense... why was I depressed in Germany without my computer, and am still the same now that I am back to normal? The answer is not obvious to me at all. Everything is supposed to be better here... I love eating my bacon and eggs in the morning, or just downloading movies and not worry about an internet firewall blocking my every move. I prefer my mother's cooking to my grandmother's, although it's not much of an improvement. I've just gotten so used to it that it has become mundane and boring. I crave the excitement of being independent, and not having to worry about what my parents think.

I knew that when I came back life would be different, but not so soon... my parents are already talking about me having to get a car and find a job. That's because I only have 1 class in school which isn't even every week, so I sit at home a lot and carve a niche into my computer chair. I've started organizing all my movies and games into big black folders, and that takes up some time as well, as well as making an Excel list of every video I have. But the fact that my parents want me out soon is a scary thought... I don't like that Real Life Syndrome is catching up with me... that I'm getting fat from all this non-exercise when I've been depending on my fast metabolism until now. I hate growing old... I try to slow it down by buying lots of video games, but there is no joy in it for me anymore.

At school I am with a bunch of guys working for the Department of Agriculture Canada. We are working on interfacing an RF Heater with some form of controller in order to maintain its temperature and flow rate. That's the basic idea for the project, and we have to start working on it right away. But I'm still in my lazy summer mode and don't want to do any work yet. This week we will get security passes to the facility so that we can have access any time we want. It was funny showing the authority my papers because they are all German... everyone wonders why I haven't become a Canadian citizen yet after 21 years living here. I tell them it's laziness, but is it really that, or is there something else behind it?

Yeah there just might be something that is pulling me back over there. I am used to my life here, but all my relatives live over there. Sometimes I'm confused over why my parents decided to leave the country at all... we could have lived a nice life over there I think. Now I face the dilemma of being torn between two countries... and it really hurts me on the inside. Every day I walk around with an empty feeling inside of me, as if something I need desperately is missing. I have been so deep in my computer world that I haven't realized that there are people out there trying to 'interface' with me so to speak, to try and communicate with me and get to know me. I don't know why people care about me at all, I'm kind of a loser.

My attitude going to Germany was that I would talk to nobody, make no friends, make no business connections, work only the bare minumum at work, and just get out with no loose ends. But there is an invisible rope that was tied to me over there, and it is still around my waste and I can feel the tugging of it sometimes... I'm trying to get over it but no matter how much I try I still think about my time there. I remember all the good things... the bad things have been erased from my memory. I remember the nice people, the close relatives I haven't had contact with for years, the amazing landscape, the nice clean european cars, the beautiful architecture in the old parts of cities, the greatest train system in the world, the tasty bretzels (only in Schwabenland), the sweet smell of the Döner (which I never tasted), the funky Euro-Pop on the radio (of which I have downloaded many songs and videos in the last couple of weeks), the strange 220V plugs with the humongous prongs, the cool currency EUROS, the interesting dialects of German heard everywhere, and yes I even miss the cigarette vending machines of all things. It's not fair... no matter how much I try to forget about it, I still remember them and I hear that little voice that beckons me to come back. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? HOW DID I GET THE GERMANY VIRUS?

Anyway, now that I am stuck between two great countries, it's hard for me to decide where I want my life to go. Something that would really pull me back for good would naturally be a nice girl, but unfortunately nothing in that area happened over there. Strike 1. I screwed up at my job and didn't try hard, so they won't want me back. Strike 2. The German road system scares the living daylights out of me. Strike 3. So you see, I'm not cut out to be there... it is not my place. And no country is perfect and everyone has its own problems. I might as well deal with the problems here around me than over there. That empty space in my life will get filled up soon enough, it's just taking its sweet time, that's all. I just have to be patient and keep living my life the way I'm used to.

I think I will leave this journal up for all to see it. I know by mistake I accidentally told somebody from Germany about it, and he told one person and then he told the next, so in a chain reaction everyone at least from the youth group at the church there knows about this site. I had written some stuff here before about how good the girls looked and then erased it after, because I was too embarassed to leave it up there. It was written in the wrong frame of mind anyway, so it's better not to be left there. But I will probably not add any more information after today. I will continue to write a journal though as gay as it sounds, because it helps me sort out my thoughts and is just something cool to do to spend the time.

The other day I looked at the journal I had started when I was going out with a girl, and it was neat to see what I was thinking back then in 1998-1999. But that was all written by hand, not over the internet for the public to see. I might make a new website though, I have plenty of time and I finally have a little drive to do it... although ultimately I have no motivation for life. The weird bumps on my neck are still there but I am too afraid to tell anyone about it, but as long as I don't experience pain everything's ok. Now that I have a gameboy advance SP I play games on the way too... I was thinking of buying a notebook computer but some friends told me that was a stupid thing to do, so I'll just buy a regular desktop PC worth around $2000. That will make me happier I think...

So that was the last 4 and a bit months of my summer in Germany. It was good and bad, that's what I tell people. But it's time to move on and open up a new leaf in my book, because I can't stand it anymore with my old routines... it's almost as if I am moving backwards in life, always going back and reminiscing the good old days. I had been stubborn before and not wanted a girlfriend, but now more than ever I really feel that is what I'm missing. But the most important thing is my walk with God... I have neglected that portion of my life in a very big way. My Bible sits dust-covered under my bed, just begging to be opened. Perhaps I shall delve into it again. Yes I am a Christian, or at least I'm supposed to be one. I haven't exactly lived the perfect example, but I know what's right and wrong, and being a fence sitter isn't going to get me anywhere. I know The Truth, but I have never embraced it.

So long, farewell, aufwiedersehen, goodnight.

-j

I'M BACK IN CANADA!!!

Wow that was quite a ride. 4 months alone (almost) in the strangest, most wonderful land I have ever experienced. As I look back at my previous entries, I am a little worried about how strong I expressed myself in various instances. But I think it's wrong to just go back and start editing and sensoring everything. In real life you can't change the past, so I will leave it the way it is. I did change some stuff though, here and there, usually to protect people's identities or to soften up some harsh criticism. I have no idea if I will continue this journal now that I am back in my domain (by the computer, with games and videos to keep me busy), but it all depends on my free time (which as it turns out I have a lot of this semester), or my general passion for it.

Well the last couple of weeks in Germany were actually pretty good. I was going to go visit that family again, but I was too afraid to set up a train ride to go there and so forth. I hate how I am such a scared little person, afraid of making steps forward in life. I am happy in my comfort zone and never venture forth into the unknown. That is why I'm afraid I will probably never get a girl, because I will never even have the courage to ask her out! Yeah that is pretty sad indeed... some say my immersion into the computer culture has destroyed me as a living functioning human being. I hope that is not the case, because I would hate to let go of this little 'hobby' of mine.

I finished my work without a hitch, saying goodbye to everyone in my section and so forth. That was pretty uneventful to say the least, some workers didn't even know it was my last day! That's how separated I was from the other employees during my work term there. I will probably never get hired by them again, but all is my fault for sure. I'm just a little man afraid of communicating via voice with people. Scary fact.

So I basically sat around doing nothing the second last weekend in Germany. I did take the train all the way to the Stuttgart Airport though, that was a bit of an event. The Stuttgart Airport is really neatly laid out in several levels, sort of like concentric circles if you view it from the top. It has a very nice design and is also very small. I had to pay 2 Euros to go onto the observation deck, which I thought was rather appalling. And once I was there, 2 meter high railing that looks pretty much like a jail cell obstructed my view of the planes. But I guess they gotta be careful that nobody falls down from there, so that kind of precaution is necessary. Going home I witnessed a funny scene in the S-Bahn: a lady with a walker came into the train and wanted to sit down. So the gentleman sitting in the seat next to the door made room for her. But it turns out he made room for her on the wrong seat, because she couldn't set her walker in the right position! So she started cursing and complaining really loudly and everyone looked towards the scene to see what was happening. Eventually the man was fed up with her and went to sit in a different area! A girl sitting in front of me started to crack up, and I almost laughed too at the humourous situation unfolding before me. The icing on the cake though came when she wanted to get out... the man actually got up off his seat and opened up the door for her! I couldn't believe it, this guy who had been totally razzed by the lady turned the other cheek and gave helpfulness in return for rudeness. So the lady suddenly changed her attitude and made some friendly chit-chat with him while he helped her outside the train. It was a very interesting comedy routine for me.

So now comes all the good stuff. On Tuesday, right before lunchtime, me and my grandparents headed out to the waiting bus that would take us to the camp. It was a sad time for us when we said our goodbyes, because I had the feeling I would never see them again. They are already well over their 70s, and it's a good chance I will see them the next time in another place besides this earth. My gramma especially had been really nice to me those 4 months, and I was glad she washed my clothes and made me dinner every day. Although I didn't like her cooking especially, I got used to it and even liked some of the stuff. That day I also had my last German Pretzel, with butter smeared in the inside... mmmmmmm I can taste it right now how good it was. Just one of the many things I will miss from Germany, the Schwäbisch Bretzel.

The Freizeit (camp in German) is located in Bad Endbach, a little town about 30km from Marburg, which in turn is about 100km away from Frankfurt. It is a nice little place where you can relax and enjoy your time there. Basically I paid around 200 Euro for about a week, which includes food and bedding and so forth. There are lots of nice places to take hikes and the actual house has a volleyball court outside, along with some hilarious copies of basketball nets that look nothing like real North American ones. When we got there we bumped the ball around without the net. But I am getting ahead of myself here.

Although the church that I attended was boring for me, this place was always interesting every day. I thought I would hate the camp but I really liked it, and it was a nice conclusion to my rather disappointing visit to Deutschland. I actually found out a lot about myself and got to know some of the young people there and their stories. It turns out the church services are boring because all the elders are too bent on their traditionalistic ways, but the younger generation that will lead the church eventually are completely cool. They have a vision to break down the rituals and laws set by the older generation, which is very promising. Although they are really good Christians, they want to move forward and let go of some of the old ways; for example: the girls are expected to wear a head shawl when they pray, wear long skirts all the time, keep their hair at least past shoulder length in a braid or pony tail (no flowing hair that's a no-no) and wear no make-up or jewelry!! That's insane I think, and thank goodness none of the girls were too bent on those rules when I was there. But they didn't go completely opposite by wearing piercings everywhere or wearing tight revealing clothes or anything.

The entire youth group was actually really cool. They seemed to get along really well and they always did activities at night when I was trying to sleep. I would always go to sleep at 9:00pm sharp, and they would come back around midnight to 1:00am and wake me up! So eventually I just gave up and stayed awake listening to loud music while I waited for them to get back. I was in a room with 3 other guys, like any typical camp girls and guys are separated which makes sense of course. Anyway the one guy let me use his laptop and play games on it, that was nice of him, and his brother helped me out with the German train system and set up my complete train route and connections so I could get to the airport! So they are a really nice bunch of people and I always felt good and accepted amongst them... the last day I was actually forced to come see what they did at nights, and we played some games where I had to act out a scene in pantomime where someone has to guess what I'm trying to do. That was fun for me, and once they saw I did some funny acting they kept asking me to perform for them! Eventually I got tired of that though, and was totally drained out at the end. When I left the room where they had met, I put on my PJs and wanted to go to sleep. But they surprised me by showing up outside my bedroom door and personally saying goodbye to me every one of them. They even gave me a goodbye card because I was leaving early in the morning the next day... it was happy times for me, and I *almost* forgot all the pain and suffering I had gone through this summer.

The older ones in the youth even did some presentations during our evening services, which were always interesting to see. They were pretty much based on the theme of how amazing God has created the animals of the earth... one particular 2-part presentation talked about the box jellyfish from Australia and how a guy had been killed by one and come back to life! No joke! His name is Ian McCormack. We watched a video of his testimony (he is a Kiwi, so I understood what he was saying, and the translator in the video actually mistranslated some things) of how he died from the jellyfish stings and saw hell and heaven and then came back! It was pretty bizarre, but I believe it is true because of how sincere he gave his personal story, and how he came to Christ after he was brought back to life.

As for the dreaded sports, they ended up being not too bad. Volleyball on hard asphalt was the main sport played, and even I can play that to some degree. So it was not bad. Other events we did together was taking a trip to Marburg and climbing to the castle there on top of the hill... hundreds upon hundreds of steep steps with no elevator in sight! I wish I had pictures, oh well... maybe next time eh.

The church services in the mornings were interesting too. There was a pastor there from Slovakia named Alexander Barkóci that needed to be translated while he preached, and he talked about things like driving demons out of people in the name of Jesus, which is always interesting to hear. He spoke on the theme of putting on the Armour of God, from the 6th chapter of Ephesians. And lo and behold, none of the services were boring for me! And since I understand some Czech, which is the sister language to Slovakian, I even understood some of the things he said right when he said them without having to wait for the translation. His family was there with him too, and his oldest son especially, he was like a prodigy and could play the piano by ear completely. Some girls from the youth performed a small ensemble piece with him, playing their flutes and violins and guitar, it sounded pretty sweet.

As a whole church community (including the middle-aged parents and the older folks as well), we didn't do that many things together. The only one I can remember is taking a walk on an old railroad line that included marching through a 700m long tunnel completely in the dark. The good news about the whole camp experience is that is was captured by several digital cameras, and eventually I might even post some pics here if they send me the picture compilation CD. Yeah so all in all, the camp was one of the many highlights of my time in Germany, and I will miss the youth from there especially all the pretty girls, but my place is here in Canada and I gotta do what I can with what I got here. Yes there are nice babes in my area too, but I will always compare them to those German gals. Heh heh I am so pathetic, I'm trying very hard NOT to come across like a perverted old man when I say these things, but I can assure you that I am completely pure in mind about this matter, so think what you will, Jesus knows my true thoughts. I almost cried when I had to say goodbye to all of them.

The last day in Germany was interesting for me, because I had to take a train (InterCity) for the first time and it was LATE by 10 minutes!! The whole time I was on it I was shaking all afraid that I would miss my connection to the Frankfurt Airport, because this particular train only went to the main Station instead of the airport. I accidentally sat in the SMOKING car of the train, but since I had my suitcase and bags and I was tired, I didn't bother changing cars. I endured the clouds of smoke with much determination. Oh yeah an interesting thing about Germany: lots of people actually ROLL THEIR OWN CIGARETTES!! It's funny to observe them doing this, it almost looks illegal to me but it's probably not. Anyway the train was a nice smooth ride, better than the regular trains, I could barely hear the wheels grinding on the track. There are different levels of trains, this one wasn't even the best one. The best train is the ICE(InterCityExpress), which goes really fast up to 250km/h I think. I never got to ride one of those but maybe next time... they also look really sexy, especially the new aerodynamic model ICE-3, I have never seen such a nice design for a train, not even the ones from Japan. So I arrived late in the main station and didn't even get to look around, I had to RUN with a heavy suitcase past 6 tracks, and when I got there one of the train personel said no worries, they are not leaving yet! So all that running for nothing. When I got on the train I discovered I was in the car with reserved seating, so I just went to one of the doors and stood there with my baggage for about 10 minutes to the airport station. At the airport I headed towards Terminal 1, being stupid and not taking one of those luggage waggons. It was a long walk indeed, and I had to stop several times to collect myself... not only was my bag-suitcase-thingy-hybrid

ripped in one area, one of the wheels was busted and it was exteremly awkward to pull it along. My flight ticket said that Air Transat was in Terminal 1, but it turns out it was in Terminal 2!!! So I had to take an airport shuttel to that terminal. Once I got there I had to walk all the way to the other end of it to get to the check-in area, only to have to wait behind about 30 people or so. That took a good hour checking in the baggage. But it was nice hearing people speak English again, at least the ones standing in line. At the Frankfurt airport they actually check your luggage for illegal materials right in front of you... I got to see the monitor and was amazed how sophisticated the x-ray machine was, it could see everything!! As I waited for my plane to board, I went to a German McDonalds for the FIRST TIME!! Yes I had to do that at least once. McDonalds' current slogan in Germany is 'Ich Liebe Es' (I love it). The menu is based upon the American one I think, so there was no Big Xtra (my fave) in sight. Therefore I picked what looked the closest, a burger called the 'Hamburger Royal TS'. It tasted close enough, but I didn't like the fries too much. After that I found a Samsung Internet Station (free, for reasons following), and checked out all the emulation news I had missed out on. As it turned out, not much... MAME v. 0.73b had been released, other than that nothing. I tried to send an email to my brother via Hotmail, but it was strange: the mouse pointer periodically became an hourglass while I was typing... it was almost as if I was being spied by the STASI or something, making sure I wasn't writing some bad stuff!! And the A and P keys didn't work to well, along with the spacebar, so it took a good 15 minutes to write a short 1-paragraph message! Then after my fun I headed thru customs and waited for the plane boarding to begin.

The plane flight was pretty uneventful. No delays, no turbulence, smooth sailing through the clouds. The inflight food looked terrible so I always refused it when they tried to force it upon me. Only at the end I took some NASTY pretzels that stuck in my teeth, and a mint and water on the rocks. Inflight movies were Bringing Down the House (which sucked really bad unfortunately), The Italian Job (which I slept through, unfortunately, because I was dead tired at that point), and get this: FINDING NEMO!!! As soon as the PIXAR logo showed up I frantically unravelled my headphones and was actually expecting an old classic, not this completely new film. I liked the film, but I felt I lost something from it because it was in full-screen format presented on a wide screen, so major stretchy issues, and the sound was mono (booo), and the colours washed-up, and I had to stretch my neck to see it because of bad line of vision. So I will see the DivX of it which my sister thankfully downloaded while I was away. Our intermediate stop was in Halifax, and more than half the people left. That was cool because we could all choose window seats, and I picked the seat right by the left wing emergency exit. We were flying an Airbus A310 I think, with a 3-3-3 seat configuration. This family of three actually wanted to sit where I was, but the girl was too young to sit there because that particular area has huge leg room because the door is between the seats. It was amazing seeing all the cloud formations from above, and it took F-O-R-E-V-E-R to get to Toronto. It seriously seemed to take forever, I was so anxious to get home. Another highlight from the flight was catching a nice long glimps of the NIAGARA FALLS, which I recognized almost immediatelly. They looked so small and unsignificant from roughly 20,000 feet in the air. Especially the American side, heh heh (burn). I had to fill out some customs stuff on the plane, typical Canadian Protocol BS, that was not fun. "What is the net worth of items brought in from international..." BLA BLA SARS BLA ETC. I also had to wait for my busted up bag-suitcase for almost an hour because of an unexplainable delay, and then I walked out... walked out into my country, the place I call home.

Once I got home I finally got to see all the presents I had ordered for myself while in Germany... lots of games, dvds, game books, Lego, etc. And yes it was a tearful reunion with my PC. Tearful because she was hurt by nasty worms and virii, something which I got to fixing straight away. Now she is back in nice running condition, it's just my internet was supposed to have been upgraded over the summer and it is still the same speed!! So I gotta deal with that issue still. Other than that, I am happy to be back in familiar territory, and if I could do it all again? I would have bought a digital camera, maybe at least talk to one nice girl, and maybe get out more among people instead of sitting at home doing nothing..

whew that was long. I should get a t-shirt that says "I SURVIVED DEUTSCHLAND"

Well that's all for now.

-joRAM